Many parents try to stick out bad marriages until their kids have grown up. However, by prolonging the inevitable separation may actually be creating a worse scenario than simply divorcing when a separation is needed.
Adult children of divorce have a very difficult time adjusting to the news that their parents are getting a divorce, and without the proper attention and support they can slip into emotional bogs that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.
Breaking the news to your adult children that you plan on getting a divorce should be handled with a little tact. Don’t just blurt it out, or handle it as a non-issue. Divorce is a big issue no matter when it occurs or how long you have been married. However, because your kids are adults you don’t have to sugar coat things either.
One of the best ways to handle children and divorce is to gather all of your children together, if possible, and tell them all at the same time. It is a good idea to have both parents present at this announcement.
After your announcement you should be ready to answer questions and talk about your divorce. While it is a good idea to let your adult children know that you value their opinions and input, it is also important to let them know that you are not asking for their permission or advice on the topic. The purpose of this discussion is to express feelings and to understand that the family is going to change. It is not designed to talk you out of your divorce, nor is it the purpose of the talk to make you feel guilty about getting a divorce.
Most likely everyone in your immediate family is going to feel disoriented and lost for a while. You can help alleviate these negative feelings by providing everyone with resources will help them to work their way through their emotions. Books, videos and family counseling sessions are all great resources that you can introduce to your adult children to help them recover from your news. Other resources that you can turn to include other family members, your church and your friends.
After the initial shock of divorce, the next most difficult divorce related task to hurdle is introducing a new romantic companion to your adult children. This is going to be uncomfortable for them and for you. After all, up to this point in their lives they probably have only seen you with your former spouse. To help avoid undue stress and discomfort don’t let the new love interest be a surprise. Let your kids know that you are thinking about dating again and let them know when you meet someone that you like. When introducing your children to your new “friend” make sure that the situation is casual and as relaxed as possible.
I wish these steps happened for me, so just imagine no one never sitting down explaining to their grown children they will no longer live together. Immediately the family dynamics changed and no one was prepared.
3 comments:
Good point. Just because kids are now packaged in adult bodies doesn't mean they still won't have child-like responses or feelings in regard to issues about their parents. I think what is different for adult children is that instead of everything separate or having two celebrations for everything, they have that third option of combining divorced parents in situations of celebration or recognition. Parents who act like children can make this difficult for their children who are trying to act like adults. It can be hard to say -"Look, this is what Thanksgiving will be like and you are both invited." The parents then have the same option as any other guest and that is to send regrets and celebrate in another way.
I think that sometimes when a parent or both parents act in ways that appear to be controlling or create these kinds of emotional headaches for their children are adults, who for what ever reason, have never had their pain validated by the people around them. We need, I think to have our family and close friends validate our losses and sources of pain. When these things are validated by acknowledgement-not taking sides- then the pain does not continue to be the coinage that gets spent in the here and now.
I will see my ex for Thanksgiving for the first time in 4 years. My daughter wants to have her first Thanksgiving in her house to be family oriented. She asked me if it would be OK for her to have her father at her house and celebration. She said, "I know Daddy really hurt you by what what he did but I would like....."
I felt like it was her celebration and was glad to have been included. That little acknowledgement on her part made it easy for me to be gracious. Who knows-she probably said the same thing to her father and he too wanted to be gracious:-) There we will be -together, being gracious and hopefully as it is Thanksgiving, grateful as well for a wonderful daughter who didn't want either of us to feel left out.
Yeah, the issue of a parent 'dating' again can be a touchy one and can fuel resentment if it is not handled well. My mother not only decided to date again before my parents were officially divorced, but did not have the courage to tell me herself- I had to learn about it through family hearsay. She finally confessed it to me in a McDonald's parking lot of all places (she asked me to meet her for lunch after the beans had been spilled). I was very angry at her for a couple of years- not because she was with someone who wasn't my father, but because of the way she handled the situation.
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Samantha Friedman, an alumna of the University of California at Berkeley and Fordham University, and I am currently a doctoral clinical psychology student at Saybrook University (San Francisco). I am seeking adults between the ages of 20 and 35 who have experienced parental divorce in either childhood or adulthood to assist me in the completion of a study that examines the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and intimacy.
If you agree to participate in this study, please click on this link (http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TK8Q7GT) and complete the survey on SurveyMonkey.com. The online survey I am conducting is very easy to complete. The whole process is designed to take less than 15 minutes to complete. Participation in this study is completely voluntary and anonymous. You are free to not answer any question, to stop participating at any time for any reason, and to not have your information be part of the data set. All forms will be kept confidential; that is, no one will have knowledge of which questionnaire belongs to you.
The aim of my study is to learn about the psychological impact of parental divorce, particularly how the age at which parental divorce occurs influences attitudes towards marriage and intimacy. It is of particular importance to examine the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and levels of intimacy because they are indicators of relationship stability. The ultimate goal of this study is to acquire data that can be used to assist adult children of divorce in understanding the impact of mid- to late-life parental divorce and develop strategies that encourage healthy, lasting marriages.
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