Defining "Adult Children of Divorce"
Adult children of divorce can mean one of two things. It describes either:
· those people whose parents divorced when they were already adults – the most overlooked demographic in divorce research and statistics – or
· children of divorced parents who have since grown up and begun to face adult responsibilities, with the shadow of their parents' divorce continuing to affect their lives and choices.
It is commonly accepted that divorce has a developmental impact, and often a serious one, on teenagers and young children. The effect of their parents’ divorce on children who are already considered adults, though, is often dismissed. Adult children of divorce, or ACODs (AKODs, another common acronym, stands for “adult kids of divorce”), are often expected to be an “adult” and support their parents through the pain of separation and divorce. They may also be drawn into their parents’ arguments in ways that younger children might not be.
Statistics and Facts on Divorce
In the U.S.…
· approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce
· an estimated 40% of adults aged 18-40 come from broken homes (1)
Studies indicate that the most damaging effect of divorce on children arises early in their adult life. Many children of divorce have trouble finding a mate and creating lasting relationships and marriages themselves. While some of these conclusions are contested, they tend to be taken for granted in the popular lexicon. What has not been studied is the long-term impact of divorce on children who were already over 18 years of age at the time their parents separated.
The following arguments are mostly anecdotal. They depend upon the testimonials of men and women whose parents were divorced when they were in their early to late twenties.
“You’re an adult. This doesn’t affect you.”
On the contrary, the separation of parents affects a child even if that “child” is an adult with a home and family of their own.
Many adult children of divorce report that, even though they never intended to use it, the fact of their parents’ stable “home” was a touchstone they knew they could always return to if they needed.
Becoming the child of a split household requires a rapid change in a person’s world view and the way they perceive themselves. It can shatter a person's self-image as one of the “lucky ones” with an intact family and parents who were and are happy together, and forces a reevaluation of an adult’s perception of their childhood.
In many cases, the separation of parents is accompanied or closely followed by the introduction of new stepparents and stepsiblings. This can be just as unwelcome to adult children as it would be to teenagers and infants – and not living together can make it harder to get to know the new “family.”
8 comments:
When you put marriage and separation to a statistical value, then you wonder whether your vows must be rewritten. "Till death do us part" might need to be revised. Your chances of failing is equal to your chances of succeeding. This almost resembles a bad dice game! You might hit it big on the fisrt roll or you might just crap out on the second roll. When you invoke children into the equation, your level of empathy has to rise. Divorce is warranted in certain instances but it is never just out right good overall. Someone is going to be affected.
I can't offer support from a personal level, but I can say that I have a friend who is 47 years old whose parents got divorced last year. Hearing how he struggled with his emotions regarding their divorce tells me that it doesn't matter how old you are, it shakes your foundation. And if there is infidelity involved in the breakup, it makes it that much harder for the adult children to bear. I know my friend was also expected to be the support for one parent over the other - and how can you do that when you love and are part of both? I don't envy your situation, but we're here if you need us!
My parents divorce when i was very young. When you are young you really dont understand it. When you are grown it do shines a different like on the situation. You're able to understand better and even take sides if you want to. The topic was very interesting.
I would say that the word “divorce” has an effect on an individual whether they are adolescents or adults. I was much younger when my parents divorce. Their divorce affected me when I was younger and continues to affect me as I have gotten older. I often think of how my life would be if my parents hadn’t gotten a divorce? Although, I believe my life is best that they divorce when I was younger. Today many young people are not marrying and not staying married. This is why I am cautiously choosy about getting married.
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To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Samantha Friedman, an alumna of the University of California at Berkeley and Fordham University, and I am currently a doctoral clinical psychology student at Saybrook University (San Francisco). I am seeking adults between the ages of 20 and 35 who have experienced parental divorce in either childhood or adulthood to assist me in the completion of a study that examines the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and intimacy.
If you agree to participate in this study, please click on this link (http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TK8Q7GT) and complete the survey on SurveyMonkey.com. The online survey I am conducting is very easy to complete. The whole process is designed to take less than 15 minutes to complete. Participation in this study is completely voluntary and anonymous. You are free to not answer any question, to stop participating at any time for any reason, and to not have your information be part of the data set. All forms will be kept confidential; that is, no one will have knowledge of which questionnaire belongs to you.
The aim of my study is to learn about the psychological impact of parental divorce, particularly how the age at which parental divorce occurs influences attitudes towards marriage and intimacy. It is of particular importance to examine the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and levels of intimacy because they are indicators of relationship stability. The ultimate goal of this study is to acquire data that can be used to assist adult children of divorce in understanding the impact of mid- to late-life parental divorce and develop strategies that encourage healthy, lasting marriages.
Please contact me if you would like a summary of my findings when the project is finished. If you have any questions, please contact me at SamanthaFriedman@hotmail.com.
Thank you in advance for your time and assistance. I really appreciate your help and I am sincerely grateful.
Best wishes,
Samantha Friedman
I can completely relate to what you've written in your blog. I too am an adult child of divorce and have been blogging about my experiences too. All I can say is that it's a difficult situation and we need to just give ourselves time to heal, no matter how long that takes.
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