Understanding Adult Children of Divorce

Adult children of divorce are difficult because they mistrust, feel insecure, are sometimes perfectionists, and may want to do some things that could destroy a marriage relationship or career.

1. Understand Your Adult Child of Divorce.

Understand what they feel. They have a reason for anger, those periods of depression, and their desire to avoid talking to their parents.
There’s a cause for the mistrust, attempt to control, perfectionism, deception, cynicism, and talk of suicide.
Also, you may be at risk. Adult children of divorce tend to form family units that duplicate some of the same patterns of their own parental family dysfunction.

Perhaps you feel cheated, exploited, or abandoned by your mate--your adult child of divorce may be duplicating his or her parents’ dysfunction.
You also might discover that you come from a dysfunctional family. Maybe you’ve been keeping family secrets, trying to forget your pain from your parental family. Often victims marry victims.

2. Commit Yourself to Long-Term Support

It took the adult child of divorce many years to develop these patterns of response to their parents dysfunction. Healing from dysfunctional patterns is not going to happen by two visits to a counselor, reading a book, and a weekend retreat.
Typically, the first year of recovery is a time when people discover how large the problem really is and how much of their life has been affected. That’s a painful process. The second year is full of anger and grief as they remember their past and face their losses.
The third year, as adult children work on problems, they experience many more sunny days. They’ll frequently talk about feeling much better. You’ll notice their more positive attitudes and behaviors.
However, the process is not completed after three years. It will continue many years because adult children of divorce are similar to recovering alcoholics.

3. Accept Your Adult Child of Divorce Nonjudgmentally.

They have been deeply hurt and need your protection. They need you to believe them and to know you’re not going to judge or put them down.
If you further shame them because they are not getting better faster, they are likely to pull away from you.

You’ll have to assure them that you are their ally and you will absolutely keep in confidence the things they share with you. Being confidential means that you never share their problems with anyone.
Also, being nonjudgmental assumes that you will not use what you learn as a power play to take advantage of them.
At times you will need to be the strong shield, protecting them from their parents or their past. You’ll make excuses, handle sudden changes in plans, or diffuse guilt and manipulations from the parents who have caused so much harm.

4. Listen Carefully

You also may be their dumping ground. You need to learn to listen. Listening implies that you draw them out. As they begin to share, you must make it easy for them to keep on sharing.
Listening is accepting at face value what they say. Listening isn’t debating, nor is it the time to correct their erroneous perceptions. Those times of giving balanced information will come later.
If these skills are difficult or new to you, you might find it helpful to read the book, Friendship.

5. Encourage Your Child of Divorce to Keeping Working on Healing

The authors of the book, The Courage to Heal, suggest that helpers do the following:

Believe the survivor about the damage.
Educate yourself about the healing process.
Validate the survivor’s feelings.
Express your compassion.
Respect the time and space it takes to heal.
Encourage the survivor to get support.
Get help if the survivor is suicidal.
Accept that your relationship will be rocky during healing.
Resist seeing the survivor as victim.

http://www.midlife.com/html/resources/articles/RA14_Helping.htm

Everyone will not have the skills, patience or empathy to comfort an adult child of divorce. Healing is a major step that must take place before we can actually move on with our lives. It does take time. This blogging expierence has provided me with research materials as well as listening ears. I want to thank all of my supporters for their feedback ad listening ears.