Helping Adult Children of Divorce

Many parents try to stick out bad marriages until their kids have grown up. However, by prolonging the inevitable separation may actually be creating a worse scenario than simply divorcing when a separation is needed.

Adult children of divorce have a very difficult time adjusting to the news that their parents are getting a divorce, and without the proper attention and support they can slip into emotional bogs that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Breaking the news to your adult children that you plan on getting a divorce should be handled with a little tact. Don’t just blurt it out, or handle it as a non-issue. Divorce is a big issue no matter when it occurs or how long you have been married. However, because your kids are adults you don’t have to sugar coat things either.

One of the best ways to handle children and divorce is to gather all of your children together, if possible, and tell them all at the same time. It is a good idea to have both parents present at this announcement.

After your announcement you should be ready to answer questions and talk about your divorce. While it is a good idea to let your adult children know that you value their opinions and input, it is also important to let them know that you are not asking for their permission or advice on the topic. The purpose of this discussion is to express feelings and to understand that the family is going to change. It is not designed to talk you out of your divorce, nor is it the purpose of the talk to make you feel guilty about getting a divorce.

Most likely everyone in your immediate family is going to feel disoriented and lost for a while. You can help alleviate these negative feelings by providing everyone with resources will help them to work their way through their emotions. Books, videos and family counseling sessions are all great resources that you can introduce to your adult children to help them recover from your news. Other resources that you can turn to include other family members, your church and your friends.

After the initial shock of divorce, the next most difficult divorce related task to hurdle is introducing a new romantic companion to your adult children. This is going to be uncomfortable for them and for you. After all, up to this point in their lives they probably have only seen you with your former spouse. To help avoid undue stress and discomfort don’t let the new love interest be a surprise. Let your kids know that you are thinking about dating again and let them know when you meet someone that you like. When introducing your children to your new “friend” make sure that the situation is casual and as relaxed as possible.

http://www.children-and-divorce.net/adult-children-of-divorce.html

I wish these steps happened for me, so just imagine no one never sitting down explaining to their grown children they will no longer live together. Immediately the family dynamics changed and no one was prepared.

Understanding Adult Children of Divorce

Adult children of divorce are difficult because they mistrust, feel insecure, are sometimes perfectionists, and may want to do some things that could destroy a marriage relationship or career.

1. Understand Your Adult Child of Divorce.

Understand what they feel. They have a reason for anger, those periods of depression, and their desire to avoid talking to their parents.
There’s a cause for the mistrust, attempt to control, perfectionism, deception, cynicism, and talk of suicide.
Also, you may be at risk. Adult children of divorce tend to form family units that duplicate some of the same patterns of their own parental family dysfunction.

Perhaps you feel cheated, exploited, or abandoned by your mate--your adult child of divorce may be duplicating his or her parents’ dysfunction.
You also might discover that you come from a dysfunctional family. Maybe you’ve been keeping family secrets, trying to forget your pain from your parental family. Often victims marry victims.

2. Commit Yourself to Long-Term Support

It took the adult child of divorce many years to develop these patterns of response to their parents dysfunction. Healing from dysfunctional patterns is not going to happen by two visits to a counselor, reading a book, and a weekend retreat.
Typically, the first year of recovery is a time when people discover how large the problem really is and how much of their life has been affected. That’s a painful process. The second year is full of anger and grief as they remember their past and face their losses.
The third year, as adult children work on problems, they experience many more sunny days. They’ll frequently talk about feeling much better. You’ll notice their more positive attitudes and behaviors.
However, the process is not completed after three years. It will continue many years because adult children of divorce are similar to recovering alcoholics.

3. Accept Your Adult Child of Divorce Nonjudgmentally.

They have been deeply hurt and need your protection. They need you to believe them and to know you’re not going to judge or put them down.
If you further shame them because they are not getting better faster, they are likely to pull away from you.

You’ll have to assure them that you are their ally and you will absolutely keep in confidence the things they share with you. Being confidential means that you never share their problems with anyone.
Also, being nonjudgmental assumes that you will not use what you learn as a power play to take advantage of them.
At times you will need to be the strong shield, protecting them from their parents or their past. You’ll make excuses, handle sudden changes in plans, or diffuse guilt and manipulations from the parents who have caused so much harm.

4. Listen Carefully

You also may be their dumping ground. You need to learn to listen. Listening implies that you draw them out. As they begin to share, you must make it easy for them to keep on sharing.
Listening is accepting at face value what they say. Listening isn’t debating, nor is it the time to correct their erroneous perceptions. Those times of giving balanced information will come later.
If these skills are difficult or new to you, you might find it helpful to read the book, Friendship.

5. Encourage Your Child of Divorce to Keeping Working on Healing

The authors of the book, The Courage to Heal, suggest that helpers do the following:

Believe the survivor about the damage.
Educate yourself about the healing process.
Validate the survivor’s feelings.
Express your compassion.
Respect the time and space it takes to heal.
Encourage the survivor to get support.
Get help if the survivor is suicidal.
Accept that your relationship will be rocky during healing.
Resist seeing the survivor as victim.

http://www.midlife.com/html/resources/articles/RA14_Helping.htm

Everyone will not have the skills, patience or empathy to comfort an adult child of divorce. Healing is a major step that must take place before we can actually move on with our lives. It does take time. This blogging expierence has provided me with research materials as well as listening ears. I want to thank all of my supporters for their feedback ad listening ears.

Adult Children of Divorce

Adult children of divorce are in a bit of a different situation in that we're old enough to be more involved in the whole mess, and we tend to feel more responsible for picking it up. It's also painful in a different way – when you're grown, your parents' divorce is supposed to feel less painful than if you're a small child. In some ways it's actually more devastating, particularly if one parent with whom you've been close suddenly decides to break off his relationship with you because he thinks you won't need a father any more . . . a lot of couples in their fifties are breaking up now and leaving behind a lot of bewildered twenty- and thirty-somethings who once believed that their parents' marriages were proof that commitment could last forever.

Here's what you can do if you're the adult child of divorcing spouses:
Circle up the wagons
Stick to the Plan
Encourage Conversation
Expect to Feel Abandoned
Talk to Other People in the Same Fix
Refuse to Tolerate Abuse

http://www.divorceinfo.com/adultchildren.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipyRk5MbS0Y

The more I blog the more I can relieve some undue stress. Mentally, emotionally, and physically, young and older children of divorce are drained. For me, my parents divorce has taken a toll on me. I have stated before, I am the oldest of five siblings and this divorce has changed our family dynamics. The holidays, and sunday dinners are not the same. I get so full that I do not like to visit in the home where my mother continues to live. This home brings back to many fond memories that are special for me and I get too depressed to know that my father is physically still alive, but not present in the home. I try to visit but can not stay very long.

I appreciate all of the comments from my supporters. Continue to stay with me as I process this journey. I know it will take time, but one day I hope it will click and I will be able to move on.

Defining "Adult Children of Divorce"

Adult children of divorce can mean one of two things. It describes either:
· those people whose parents divorced when they were already adults – the most overlooked demographic in divorce research and statistics – or
· children of divorced parents who have since grown up and begun to face adult responsibilities, with the shadow of their parents' divorce continuing to affect their lives and choices.

It is commonly accepted that divorce has a developmental impact, and often a serious one, on teenagers and young children. The effect of their parents’ divorce on children who are already considered adults, though, is often dismissed. Adult children of divorce, or ACODs (AKODs, another common acronym, stands for “adult kids of divorce”), are often expected to be an “adult” and support their parents through the pain of separation and divorce. They may also be drawn into their parents’ arguments in ways that younger children might not be.

Statistics and Facts on Divorce

In the U.S.…
· approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce
· an estimated 40% of adults aged 18-40 come from broken homes (1)
Studies indicate that the most damaging effect of divorce on children arises early in their adult life. Many children of divorce have trouble finding a mate and creating lasting relationships and marriages themselves. While some of these conclusions are contested, they tend to be taken for granted in the popular lexicon. What has not been studied is the long-term impact of divorce on children who were already over 18 years of age at the time their parents separated.

The following arguments are mostly anecdotal. They depend upon the testimonials of men and women whose parents were divorced when they were in their early to late twenties.

“You’re an adult. This doesn’t affect you.”

On the contrary, the separation of parents affects a child even if that “child” is an adult with a home and family of their own.

Many adult children of divorce report that, even though they never intended to use it, the fact of their parents’ stable “home” was a touchstone they knew they could always return to if they needed.

Becoming the child of a split household requires a rapid change in a person’s world view and the way they perceive themselves. It can shatter a person's self-image as one of the “lucky ones” with an intact family and parents who were and are happy together, and forces a reevaluation of an adult’s perception of their childhood.

In many cases, the separation of parents is accompanied or closely followed by the introduction of new stepparents and stepsiblings. This can be just as unwelcome to adult children as it would be to teenagers and infants – and not living together can make it harder to get to know the new “family.”

http://blendedfamilies.suite101.com/article.cfm/adult_children_of_divorce