This topic is very personal and dear to me. At one time in my life, I never understood what divorce meant. I was protected as a child and only knew of children living with their mothers and fathers. Even though some of my relatives and friends lived in single parent homes a complete family was with your mother and father.I treasured the family outings and loved the family vacations. I am the oldest of five girls who for my entire life, until my mid thirties, had what I called a complete family.
I did realize however, that divorce affected children in their younger years, but never thought it would have such a profound affect on young adults. I guess when you are use to having both of your parents in your life for most of your life it is devasating to lose one parent or both. The whole family dynamics change. Sometimes I almost feel as though my father has died. In my case, I do not see my father like I use to and it is very hard to adjust to the change in the family dynamics. It is a life course adjustment.
8 comments:
Good Job. I went through my parents being divorced when I was younger. I took a tole on me personally. For a long time,I thought that it was my fault.One thing I had to realize was that my parents seperating was not fault; i also had to learn how to express my feelings in a positive manner. Your topic is a GREAT!!! topic.
Good Job. I went through my parents being divorced when I was younger. I took a tole on me personally. For a long time,I thought that it was my fault.One thing I had to realize was that my parents seperating was not fault; i also had to learn how to express my feelings in a positive manner. Your topic is a GREAT!!! topic.
I waited until my daughter was older-22 to leave her father. A part was to keep her college $$ from becoming a marital asset, a part was because I did not want her to think relationships were disposable the minute they got hard and a BIG part was because I was afraid to be on my own. I don't know if waiting made a difference. She knows I tried to work things out. In the end she told me it was time to leave. Because she knows about her father's behavior, she has difficulty trusting men she meets. She is aware of this issue and has worked hard to realize all men are not her father. She currently sees a wonderful young man who understands the source of her trust issues aren't really about him.
She has a small relationship with her father that I try to stay out of. I choose to have little to no contact with him to limit painful reminders.
That is a great topic. I was surprised and a little embarassed when I read it because, I guess when I thought about someone having a hard time with divorce, I always thought about younger children or adolescents. My parents got divorced when I was very young so it did not have a major affect on me, except for the fact that I hated the every other weekend thing. However, after reading your blog, I began thinking that when you are a young adult, I guess your parents getting divorced would hurt just as badly, but in other ways than with young children. I'm sure your parents divorce was very hard for you and I am sorry that you had to go through that. Thank you for choosing this topic. I think it will be very beneficial for everyone.
I never experienced divorce in my immediate family, but my older half brother (from my dad's first marriage) got divorced several years ago. Seeing it from an outsiders point of view I can only imagine how painful it is for him to see his children only every other weekend and some holidays, and to know that they don't want to see him then. Obviously, I don't know the whole story because I don't have a relationship with his ex-wife. But, this has caused major behavior problems with his younger (13 years old) daughter. I also hadn't thought about how hard it would be for a young adult to go through their parents divorce either, so your experience is really intersting to me.
I feel better reading the comments and feel this blog will help me deal with my hurt and pain. Sometimes I feel I am just covering up my feelings and try to deal with things. I think this is the social work skills in me.
I am going to my daughter's house for Thanksgiving. It will be the first Thanksgiving she and her boyfriend host in their house. She wants it to be strictly family so that will be his parents and myself and my ex-husband. My daughter called and asked if I would have a problem if her father came. I told her, "No" and that it was her Thanksgiving and she should invite who she wanted. I told her if I had a problem then I could decide not to come because it was my problem-not hers.
I don't particularly want to eat turkey with the man. I'm not angry with him. I am rather nebulous in that I don't know how I feel and may not until I actually see him. I know she told him it was just to be family -no guests- as he is a big on line dater. I think she wants no complications or distraction with our two families coming together and I am sure he understands as do I.
The point is I want my daughter to be an adult of divorce not always to be an adult child of divorce. I think when children are used as weapons or feel compelled to be deceptive about their involvement with one parent for fear of angering or hurting the other, we relegate them to the position of a child forever. We are, in essence, saying that we don't trust them to balance the situation between their parents out in a way they can be comfortable with.
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Samantha Friedman, an alumna of the University of California at Berkeley and Fordham University, and I am currently a doctoral clinical psychology student at Saybrook University (San Francisco). I am seeking adults between the ages of 20 and 35 who have experienced parental divorce in either childhood or adulthood to assist me in the completion of a study that examines the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and intimacy.
If you agree to participate in this study, please click on this link (http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TK8Q7GT) and complete the survey on SurveyMonkey.com. The online survey I am conducting is very easy to complete. The whole process is designed to take less than 15 minutes to complete. Participation in this study is completely voluntary and anonymous. You are free to not answer any question, to stop participating at any time for any reason, and to not have your information be part of the data set. All forms will be kept confidential; that is, no one will have knowledge of which questionnaire belongs to you.
The aim of my study is to learn about the psychological impact of parental divorce, particularly how the age at which parental divorce occurs influences attitudes towards marriage and intimacy. It is of particular importance to examine the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and levels of intimacy because they are indicators of relationship stability. The ultimate goal of this study is to acquire data that can be used to assist adult children of divorce in understanding the impact of mid- to late-life parental divorce and develop strategies that encourage healthy, lasting marriages.
Please contact me if you would like a summary of my findings when the project is finished. If you have any questions, please contact me at SamanthaFriedman@hotmail.com.
Thank you in advance for your time and assistance. I really appreciate your help and I am sincerely grateful.
Best wishes,
Samantha Friedman
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